"Missing Him"

[Arienette]

((This is a poem I wrote . . .))

"Missing Him"

Windswept teardrops
Never reach the cheeks,
So I'm standing on the bow of this broken ship,
Love left me to die,
Death can't touch me,
And I'm still drowning beneath this cold sun,
Dreaming of the steaming moon,
And hunting with my eyes closed,
For the needle I threw at the rotted hay,
A stroke of genius,
The stroke of Midnight,
My fingers intertwined with a ghost's
But his much warmer than mine,
He rubs me with his hands,
And he grows finite, and I,
I fade away.

[[AlphaSuicune]]

Hahah, that's pretty cool! ^ ^


Mind if I crit a little?

[Arienette]

Go ahead, I don't mind at all! ^^

[[AlphaSuicune]]

Okay, let's see...


First off, you've ended every sentence 'cept the last with a comma. Commas at the end of lines string them together, but when you've got line after line after line strung together, it sort of disrupts the flow. Try imagining a full stop every, say, three lines, for example. That allows you to single out phrases for impact; if lines are broken with a full stop, it allows the reader to digest the lines as a complete phrase, increasing their impact. Inversely, having the whole poem 'linked' by commas draws away from its rhythm and flow, and it's harder to 'absorb' the poem as a whole.

Before I get onto the actual words, your sentences all seem to follow the pattern of
'NOUN-VERB-PREPOSITION-NOUN', or 'ADJECTIVE-NOUN-VERB-NOUN'. The object (noun or pronoun), then the action, then the place. I don't know if this is something conscious or not (and if it is, whether it was added on purpose, in which case excuse this part), but it kind of gives the poem a repetitive feel. Combined with it all seeming like a single phrase, it detracts from the actual words. I would like to see a little more sentence variation, like:
'Left to die by love,
Untouched by death,
And still I'm drowning beneath this cold sun.'

Just an example. ^-^

Ohay! Onto the language!


The first two lines that read 'Windswept teardrops Never reach the cheeks' is good, but maybe you should consider a different possesive to 'the' if you're keeping the present tense in this line. I think 'never reached the cheeks' flows better, and somehow 'the' isn't a 'strong' enough word when used with the present tense (hoping here you get the gist of what I mean xD). Try substituting 'my', or possibly 'his' (though I dunno, since we don't know who's cheeks they are, after all), or if you don't want to add in a direct proposition, take it out altogether. 'Never reach -insert adjective- cheeks' might work, or 'never reaching cheeks'; I dunno. Experiment a little, maybe, to find what you think fits.

Like I've said, lines 4 thru 6, it might be nice to switch around the order of the words.

Next two lines. You've already used the connective 'And' at the beginning of the sentence. If the lines were further apart it wouldn't be so much of a problem, but here the repetition is slightly distracting. Perhaps 'whilst', or just pick a connective. As for the change to past tense, in my opinion it would flow better if it was 'needle I've thrown', but that could be just me. 'At' is, again, a bit of a 'weak' word in this case; I would suggest 'into', but stretching that sentence with too many syllables would be awkward, so perhaps 'in'? Either way, it's a lovely phrase.

Lines 10 and 11... well, they sort of don't... 'fit' with the rest of the poem? If you put them together in their own phrases, with maybe some more shorter sentences, then perhaps but as it stands, they sort of disrupt the flow. The change from 'A' to 'The' sort of mushes up the repetition I think you were trying to go for. Personally, I think if you changed the sentences so they were still synonymous to what they mean now but didn't repeat each other, it would flow better. Something like
'sudden genius
as midnight strikes'
? Pfft, I dunno. Just suggestions. ;3

From lines 13-onwards, I'm not sure the use of the pronoun 'he' and 'his' really fit with the poem. Maybe substitute 'their'?


Other than that, I think it's great! You've got some beautiful and imaginitive imagery here. =D

[Arienette]

Wow. You know A LOT about poetry. The reason it flows so funny is 'cause I write peory on impulse, and usually end up putting three or even more pieces I've written together and trying to clean it up some.
Line 10 and on was actually a different poem I had written at the bottom of the page and my boyfriend said I should put it all together, so it ended up haphazardly tacked on. ^^ All my poems are really roughly done, I'll post another one later and show you. That one's made of three or four different 2-3 liners that I wrote and then a line I had been trying to put into something for like four months. Give me a bit and I'll repost "Missing Him" with your suggestions. ^^

[Arienette]

"Missing Him"

Windswept teardrops
Never reach chilled cheeks,
So I'm standing on the bow of this broken ship.
Death follows forgotten love,
Pale shadows to clutch my soul,
Leaving me to drown beneath this cold sun.
Dreaming of the steaming moon,
And hunting with my eyes closed,
For the needle thrown into rotting hay.
Lost in solitude,
Fleeing to nowhere,
Stuck with another's happy ending.
No stroke of genius,
Final Midnight's chime,
My fingers intertwined with a ghost's
But his much warmer than mine.
Hands rub my skin,
And he grows finite, and I,
I fade away.

[Arienette]

This is one I actually wrote in one go, no scrabled eggs here!)

"Untitled"

The sunlight is cold,
And the rain burns my skin,
Reminding me of you,
Again and again.
The night tastes like loneliness,
And I know why,
You always left with the moon,
To chase dreams across the sky.
The smiles are so old,
And the memories so broken,
It would take a tragedy,
This reality to be reawoken.

[xxninja]

I like how every other line rhymes. The poems I write never rhyme - I just sort of write what comes to mind in a way that makes it sound good.

As for a title, in my opinion, I think a good one would be 'When you're gone'. It sort of draws you into the poem itself, like, ' "When you're gone, the sunlight is cold and the rain burns my skin, reminding me of you again and again" '. If you know what I mean. xD;;

Of course, that's just what I made of the poem. It's perfectly understandable if you had something else totally in mind, and it wouldn't fit at all. If that's the case, forget I said anything. ^w^

[Arienette]

That's a really good idea, thank you! I always hete having untitled stuff, but I hate even more having stuff titled wrong. Thank you!